Having a Relationship While in Eating Disorder Recovery

Navigating a relationship can be daunting, particularly for individuals recovering from an eating disorder.

The recovery process may be very consuming, especially at first, and it can feel difficult or even dangerous to take too much time or focus away from that pursuit. Further along in recovery, other issues may arise, including triggers around body image, intimacy, and trauma.

On the other hand, a healthy relationship with a caring partner can offer a number of benefits, especially for someone undergoing such an intensive process. With the right support and resources, it is possible to cultivate a healthy and fulfilling relationship while recovering from an eating disorder.

Should you Date While Recovering from an Eating Disorder?

Recovering from an eating disorder is a process, one that can potentially stretch out over months or even years. Even when managed well, it can come with its fair share of ups and downs and impact your quality of life.²

For this reason, many people find it crucial to make self-care a top priority during this time. They may see relationships—and all the work, time, and attention that typically go into building them—as a distraction from this important task, and choose to focus on recovery without these added disruptions.

That said, recovery is not always a linear process, and it’s possible to make progress while in a supportive partner relationship. However, it’s important that your partner is on board with the process and willing to give you the time and space you need to continue healing.

Your therapist or psychiatrist may be able to give you better guidance on pursuing a relationship at your particular point in recovery. If you do decide to date during this process, it’s vital to communicate openly and honestly with your partner about your situation.

How Eating Disorders Affect Relationships

Eating disorders can significantly impact romantic relationships, both for those with an active eating disorder and those further along in the recovery process. 

In most cases, the partner of an eating disorder sufferer may experience high levels of caregiver distress. This can make it difficult to maintain a healthy and supportive relationship.³

People with eating disorders also tend to report having smaller social networks and difficulties with social functioning.¹ This can put extra strain on a partner, who would potentially need to fill many social roles for their struggling loved one.

There are other aspects of both eating disorders and relationships that can make for a tricky dynamic.

Changes in Personality and Behavior

Some therapists describe those with eating disorders as “in a relationship” with the condition itself.⁵ What they mean is that the disordered thoughts involved in the condition start to eclipse everything else a person may be concerned with.

As eating disorders develop, a person may become more isolated, withdrawn, and focused on their symptoms.⁵ This can lead to changes in their personality and behavior, making it difficult for their partner to connect with them.

Caregiver Fatigue

In many cases, a partner of someone with an eating disorder will take on a caregiver role, providing support and care for their loved one. While this is often a compassionate response, it can have negative consequences.

The caregiver (aka, the partner) may feel burnt out by the role over time, and experience frustration or distress if their partner’s eating disorder behaviors are particularly severe, continue over time, or if their partner shows little motivation to change.³

Spending too much time in a “caregiver” role can also disrupt or entirely rework the dynamic in the relationship, leaving one person feeling completely dependent on the other. This could potentially breed resentment in the caregiver, or “eating disorder guilt” in the person who’s struggling.

Sexual Intimacy

Eating disorders have been tied to a number of issues around sexual intimacy, including a lower libido/desire for sexual intimacy and/or increased anxiety around sex.⁴

Sadly, this may be tied to the significant overlap between sexual assault and eating disorders. One study found that as many as 50% of people with anorexia nervosa (AN) and bulimia nervosa (BN) had experienced sexual assault, compared to just 28% of the general population.⁶

Intimacy issues may also be connected to the negative body image that many people with eating disorders struggle with, sometimes even long into recovery. Those with eating disorders also tend to have chronic low self-esteem, which could potentially contribute to difficulty around intimacy and sex.⁷

Communication Difficulties

Communication can be challenging in any relationship, but it can be especially difficult when one partner struggles with an eating disorder.

These conditions are notoriously personal, with many people finding it difficult to discuss their feelings or experiences around disordered eating and disruptive thoughts openly and honestly. Withholding this kind of information from a partner may leave them feeling disconnected or unsure how to help, even when information wasn’t shared for what was thought to be the partner’s benefit.

Lack of Trust 

Eating disorders often flourish in secrecy, and this habit can make it difficult to develop trust with a partner.

The person with the disorder may feel ashamed or guilty about their behaviors and go out of their way to hide them, making it difficult for their partner to trust them. This lack of trust can create distance and further strain the relationship.

This can become especially problematic if the person with the eating disorder has struggled to reduce their behavior. They may feel tempted to lie to their partner in an attempt to help them feel better about their progress.

Tips for Creating a Supportive Partnership During Recovery

While pursuing a relationship in eating disorder recovery introduces a number of potential issues, that’s not to say the idea is overall bad or should be avoided at all costs. Indeed, having someone in your corner who can offer loving and caring support can be beneficial for sustained recovery.

However, creating a supportive partnership is a delicate process that requires the dedication, effort, and patience of both partners. 

To help you in this journey, here are some tips for creating a supportive partnership during recovery.

Practice Open Communication

Communication is key to building a healthy relationship, especially when one partner is in recovery. Encourage your partner to share their thoughts and feelings, and listen with empathy and without judgment. Be open and honest about your own needs and feelings as well.

Set Realistic Expectations

Recovery is a journey with its ups and downs, and it’s important to set realistic expectations for what you can achieve in a given timeframe. Avoid putting pressure on yourself or your partner to “fix” everything at once, and celebrate small victories along the way.

Seek Professional Help

Eating disorders are complex conditions that often require professional support. In this case, both partners may benefit from talking to a professional about their concerns.

For the partner in eating disorder recovery, it’s especially crucial to keep up with therapy visits. But support groups or other types of therapy may also be a helpful way for the partner of someone struggling with one of these conditions to maintain their own mental health.

Prioritize Self-Care

Indeed, self-care is an essential priority for both partners in these situations.

Attending therapy and caring for your mental health is just one way to fulfill this promise to yourself. You can also encourage each other to engage in activities that promote physical and emotional well-being, such as exercise, meditation, or creative pursuits. Make time for self-care activities together as well.

Be Patient and Supportive

Recovery is challenging, and being patient and supportive of yourself and your partner is important. Remember that setbacks are part of the journey and that progress is not always linear. 

Celebrate your successes together, and offer each other compassion and understanding when things are difficult.

How to Tell Your Partner About Your Eating Disorder

If you do decide to pursue a relationship at this time, honesty is key, even though sharing about your eating disorder with your partner can be a challenging and intimidating experience. It is common to feel ashamed, vulnerable, or fear being judged.

Ultimately, disclosing your struggles can and should be a transformative experience that helps you feel more heard and supported. But if you’re unsure how to approach this conversation, here are some tips to guide you:

• Choose the right time and place: Pick a time when you feel comfortable and your partner is receptive and attentive. Avoid telling them in public or when they are busy or distracted.
• Be honest and clear: Explain the situation honestly and openly without minimizing or dramatizing it. 
• Prepare for their reaction: Your partner might feel shocked, confused, or worried. Anticipate their questions or concerns and reassure them that you seek help and support.
• Be specific about what you need: Let your partner know what kind of support you need from them. Do you need them to refrain from commenting on your food or weight? Do you need them to accompany you to therapy sessions?
• Encourage open communication: Let your partner know that you are open to discussing your eating disorder and answering any questions they might have. Encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings and to seek their support if needed.

You may also want to discuss this topic with your therapist for further guidance. But ultimately, keeping a relationship open and honest can lead to healthy communication, trust, and respect.

If you or your partner are facing challenges with an eating disorder, it is crucial to prioritize seeking professional assistance. 

Through treatment, you can acquire valuable coping mechanisms and strategies to effectively manage the disorder and work towards enhancing your relationship.

By dedicating time, putting in effort, and receiving the necessary support, it is possible to restore trust, intimacy, and connection within your relationship. Remember that seeking help is the first step towards achieving positive change, and there is hope for a brighter future.