“. . . Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me . . .”
I let the words sink in, and then I looked out my bedroom window that overlooked the water; for once, I took in the scenery not in fear, but in admiration of the sun as it descended below the horizon. The setting of the sun was a reminder of the magnificence of creation.
“If God made the sun, surely he made me. He must love me, too. I’m going to believe that no matter what, God is with me. When I’m afraid, God is right by my side. I might not see Him physically, but I can see him with my soul; simply because I believe that God is with me, He is,” I thought.
Today as I hiked with my blind and deaf Australian Shepherd and friends up and down rocky trails and around the azure waves of the Pacific, I was amazed at the beauty of God’s creation and the magnitude of his power.
One of the reasons why I love to get out in nature and take walks is because it relaxes me and puts many of the issues I tend to worry about into perspective, reminding me that there’s no need to stress out. My problems are small when they are in God’s hands because he made the whole universe.
Yet for most of my life, I found it nearly impossible to turn my cares over to God or even think about a Higher Power. I wanted to be my own Higher Power and try to control everything, which constantly got me into trouble, particularly with my eating disorder.
Although eating disorders are mental illnesses and not the sufferer’s fault, at some point I had to make the conscious decision to let go and let God, and allow His presence into my life so that I could focus on self-love and self-care. I wanted to control everything all of the time, and I didn’t trust anybody.
As a result of the trauma in my childhood, I was positive that abusing food and my body would make me feel better, but it was a surefire way to kill myself.
Learning to let go, to trust God during the recovery process was a whole process in itself. But the verse above, “I will fear no evil,” replayed in my mind and spirit over and over again. It was a verse that had been implanted in my brain from my nana at a young age.
Even though I wanted to resist it in the natural, my spirit was thirsty for deep nourishment, the kind that my eating disorder could never give me.
About the Author: Nikki DuBose is a former model turned author, advocate, and ambassador. Her debut memoir, Washed Away: From Darkness to Light, details her recovery from trauma, severe mental illnesses and the dark side of the modeling industry. Nikki has been featured on television shows and networks such as The Doctors, The TD Jakes Show, CBS Los Angeles, and the Oprah Winfrey Network, and profiled in publications such as People, LA Times, Vogue UK, Esquire, India Times, and Inquisitr. To find out more about Nikki, visit http://nikkidubose.com/.
The opinions and views of our guest contributors are shared to provide a broad perspective of eating disorders. These are not necessarily the views of Eating Disorder Hope, but an effort to offer discussion of various issues by different concerned individuals.
We at Eating Disorder Hope understand that eating disorders result from a combination of environmental and genetic factors. If you or a loved one are suffering from an eating disorder, please know that there is hope for you, and seek immediate professional help.
Reviewed By: Jacquelyn Ekern, MS, LPC on March 31, 2017
Published on EatingDisorderHope.com