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Finding Freedom through the Past

Contributor:  Nikki DuBose, contributor for Eating Disorder Hope

girl-thinkingI’ll never forget that fateful day when the horrible memories resurfaced. Although blurry and confusing, one thing was clear; I had been touched in places I shouldn’t have. Held down for far too long until I felt like I was going to perish from suffocation. A crimson, misshapen face, rough hands and chapped lips signaled my demise. As I sat alone in my bedroom and gazed into unwelcoming silence, one after another, the past flooded my brain like a movie. A film that I, the prisoner, watched in unrelenting horror.

For years I stumbled around in obscurity, afraid of facing the light. Intensive therapy and God were my only means of regaining sanity; I was a recluse in my own mind. Nevertheless food, drugs and alcohol continued to be the methods of choice for harming my body. Now that I knew the secrets of the past, I could excuse myself for the self-manipulation. I could allow the illusive perpetrator to live until the end of time.

Relapse and Finding Faith

study-763571_1280As life progressed I became weary of the monster inside my head, and decided to seize it once and for all. Sitting in the dimly lit room of the therapist office proved to be successful, but only for a few months at a time. Relapse was unavoidable, and every time I fell into the fiery pit, I found it harder and harder to claw my way back out. Therapy eventually became a black hole, and I lost all will to go.

Until, one evening when I strained to open the book that had always been at my reach. My recovery Bible rested next to my bed, and yet I never took the time to look at it. Sick and dejected, my eyes rested on its glossy cover. In its pages were the answers to all my questions; the swords to defeat the demons that had arrested every inch of my soul, mind and body.

As I studied, one thing became very clear; I had to face my past and stare down the figure that threatened to steal my life. What had happened long ago was controlling my present, and attempting to destroy my future. God had already promised to give me a future and a hope, as in Jeremiah 29:11, so I had no reason to fear anything anymore. The chains of abuse had long been broken, and with His continual help, I could walk in victory forever.


Community Discussion – Share your thoughts here!

What ways have you found to let go of your past?  What advice do you have to share?


About the author:

Nikki_Dubose_2015 Web-6Nikki DuBose is a former model, host, and actress who has recently turned her career focus towards writing, public speaking, and mental health advocacy. She is a passionate dynamic voice in the mental health field and seeks to encourage others to develop a strong sense of their intrinsic value and self worth. Nikki grew up in charming Charleston, South Carolina and lives in Los Angeles. After traveling the globe and working as a fashion model and commercial actress in exciting destinations such as the Middle East, Paris, Barcelona, and London, she was inspired to leave the industry to pursue writing full time.

Her writing is focused on encouraging others to overcome the deadly grip of eating disorders that affect millions. She draws firsthand experience from a long-standing battle with bulimia, anorexia, physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, drug and alcohol addictions, and a wide range of mental health issues. Her first book is currently in the works and recounts her life struggles and ultimate triumph over the mental disorders and addictions that plagued her for most of her life. She has been published multiple times within The National Eating Disorders Association for her hope, strength, and community outreach initiatives. She continues to advocate for NEDA, writes for the association and other incredible establishments such as Eating Disorder Hope. She has been able to connect with people around the world through her website and speaks and assists with other organizations covering various mental health issues, body image and self esteem.

The opinions and views of our guest contributors are shared to provide a broad perspective of eating disorders.  These are not necessarily the views of Eating Disorder Hope, but an effort to offer discussion of various issues by different concerned individuals.  We at Eating Disorder Hope understand that eating disorders result from a combination of environmental and genetic factors.  If you or a loved one is suffering from an eating disorder, please know that there is hope for you, and seek immediate professional help.

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