NEDAW Featured Recovery Story

Kira Olson of Castlewood Treatment Center

Hosted by Kira Olson of Castlewood Treatment Center
February 2015

EDH: What do you think led to the development of your eating disorder?

Kira Olsen: My eating disorder developed due to a number of factors, coming together in the “perfect storm” during adolescence. I grew up in a conservative Christian home where feelings weren’t often discussed and high expectations were assumed. My basic personality traits included perfectionism, people pleasing, and overachieving. My brother was the “rebellious child,” getting in trouble at school and at home; my father, as a pilot, was gone often on business trips; and my mother and I developed a codependent relationship, where I felt insecure and incapable without her.

I attended a rigorous private school, was in advanced classes, and played sports. Much of our family conflict centered around the dinner table, where I took on the role as family mediator. I felt overshadowed by my brother’s struggles and disconnected overall from family. My brother often took out frustrations on me, and both of us struggled with food allergies.

As a child, I expressed my needs and stayed safe by throwing temper tantrums to get support and by compulsively keeping my belongings organized. When I was challenged to become more autonomous and started questioning my beliefs, I began looking to the world for identity.

At the time my eating disorder developed, the sports season had stopped, my brother had gone off to college, relationships had shifted, and many friends were focused on food and their bodies. Creating a “perfect” rulebook around what I ate became a safety net for me and also fed my desire to fit in, feel in control, stuff my feelings, and do what was “right” according to the world. It also served as a way of rebelling against family in a less offensive way, exerting independence, and pleading for help.

EDH: What was the lowest point of your eating disorder?

Kira Olsen: The lowest point of the eating disorder was when I became so depressed and hopeless that I imagined death frequently. The eating disorder had taken on a life and power of its own, and I didn’t know who I was anymore or believe that life could ever be different. In fact, I loathed myself. Even lower than that was when my parents admitted me to a residential eating disorder facility far from family and friends, and I faced the difficult decision of signing paperwork to accept a feeding tube or eating amounts that the doctors said would be nearly impossible. Reality hit (or as close to it as I could grasp with my fogged mindset) as I lost the “freedom,” “control,” and “identity” that I had fought so hard for.

EDH: What did you do to recover from the eating disorder?

A shift began when I realized that I was standing on the edge of a cliff with two choices: 1) to let go and entrust my life to professionals and to God, though I no longer believed in Him, or 2) to continue my way, which had led me down a path of chaos and destruction. I reluctantly committed to treatment, soon finding myself doing the work.

All in all, recovery has taken hope that recovery is possible, grace with myself, and trust in myself, the people supporting me, and the process. It took a willingness to embrace the emotions and the pain that I had stuffed.

For so long, a willingness to “fail,” and a curiosity to explore my true identity. It took recognizing distorted thoughts and counteracting those “lies” with truth, learning to acknowledge and accept my wants and needs, and moving out of labels and self-evaluation into love.

Recovery for me was about giving up the expectation of a destination and putting one foot in front of the other while clinging to the rope of hope as it led me through. It was about viewing myself as a person instead of an eating disorder sufferer and running hard in pursuit of joy and freedom.

EDH: Do you consider yourself fully recovered now? Or is it an ongoing process?

Kira Olson: LIFE is an ongoing recovery process from something – whether from codependency, substance abuse, trauma, anxiety, an eating disorder, or a number of other things. We are all in process. It has taken years to develop a partnership with my body and to understand the many roots and purposes of the eating disorder. I believe I am recovered, as I no longer think ED thoughts or engage in behaviors, but I cannot be sure that I will never struggle again.

Like most of us, I need to be aware of what is going on in my life and how I deal with issues. The eating disorder has no claim on my life or my identity: it was a detour in my journey, one that I am incredibly grateful for, as it contributed to my self-understanding and to my growth and family’s growth.

EDH: What advice would you offer someone struggling with an eating disorder now?

Kira Olson: It’s hard to give advice, because everyone’s journey is their own. I would say never lose HOPE. You are not alone, and recovery is possible, though it looks different for everyone. Throw away your expectations. Most importantly, put on “blinders.” Stop comparing and own the journey, no matter how long it takes. Get curious about exploring who YOU are and about living life.

I believe there is a specific purpose for everyone’s process, and sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and hang on, one thought and one behavior at a time. I’d say challenge yourself to do the thing you fear: you’ll never grow if you chose to feed the fear by staying stuck. Do what’s difficult. Reach to healthy coping tools, but if you don’t, don’t beat yourself up. It’s a journey, and YOU are worth it and dearly loved.

EDH: What is life like now that you are in recovery?

Kira Olson: Life is full of ups and downs, joys and struggles, but it’s one big adventure. It’s about serving others, seizing every opportunity, daring to take risks and be imperfect, recognizing and embracing my feelings, and owning my choices. It’s in no way perfect, but it’s in the imperfections that there is beauty and growth.

I love not having food and my body dictate my day – eating what I want when I want and connecting with my body, mind, and Creator through movement. I love feeling and experiencing life. I love having the brainpower and energy to be in graduate school while working and doing ministry. I love being able to mentor and share hope with men and women struggling with eating disorders.

It’s amazing looking back at the past and seeing how far I’ve come. I am in awe of where I am presently and how the future is being paved, much because of the gift of my greatest pain: the eating disorder.

Read Kira Olson’s Recovery Story in the Inspirational Stories Section of Eating Disorder Hope!

If you are in need of resources for an eating disorder, visit our website at Eating Disorder Hope.