How to Appropriately Set Boundaries with a Roommate Who Has an Eating Disorder

Contributor: Courtney Howard, B.A., Director of Operations & Business Development at Eating Disorder Hope and Addiction Hope.

It can be difficult to live with someone who has an eating disorder, even if they are a lifelong friend or close family member. In fact, the closer you are with your roommate, the more challenging it might be to see the daily struggle of their eating disorder firsthand.

Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries can ensure that your own mental health is not compromised when you live with someone with an active eating disorder.

Even if you do maintain these boundaries, it will likely not always be smooth sailing. Practicing self-care and knowing your limits can be a part of the boundaries you set.

Food and Behaviors

Mealtimes can feel like a battleground when you live with someone with an eating disorder. Your roommate likely makes excuses to not participate in mealtimes with you, but it is inevitable that you will eventually find yourself in a situation that highlights their disordered behaviors.

Remember that you are not the food police. Recognizing this will set you free. Regardless of your concern for your roommate, playing the role of food police will only lead to alienation and leave you feeling exhausted and frustrated. You will not magically cure your roommate’s eating disorder by pressuring them to eat a burrito next time you go to Chipotle.

Establishing this boundary is a form of self-preservation. That is not to say that you cannot help or provide guidance if your roommate is looking for validation that it is okay to eat certain foods, which is common with eating disorders, or provide other support if you feel comfortable doing so, but putting pressure on yourself to reduce their disordered behaviors will lead to heartache on many fronts.

Similarly, if they ask you to be a support person when you are unable to emotionally, physically, or for any other reason, the best thing you can do for yourself and your roommate in that moment is be honest about it. Maybe you had a bad day yourself and need alone time. Set that boundary for yourself in a respectful way, encouraging your roommate to call another friend or family member for mealtime support.

Your roommate might also engage in behaviors not isolated to mealtime, such as hoarding and bingeing on food in their bedroom. Though they will go to great lengths to hide these behaviors from you, if you live with someone long enough then you will catch on. Similar to mealtime habits, remember that you cannot cure someone’s eating disorder by calling them out on their behaviors and simply telling them to stop. Instead, if you have a good relationship, you can show your concern and encourage them to seek help.

Communication is Key

Communication is an important component of any relationship, but particularly when cohabitating with someone. Keeping the channels of communication open can help your roommate feel able to reach out when triggered, and also encourage you to voice when your own personal boundaries are being crossed.

Often, the only way to know your boundaries is recognizing them after they have been crossed. This is especially likely in this context if you do not have much prior experience with eating disorders or mental health issues.

If your roommate does something relating to their disorder that makes you feel violated, it is important to speak up.

Keeping these feelings inside will only exacerbate the problem. Speaking your truth is essential, but this should be done in a way that is not triggering to your roommate. This depends entirely on your relationship with your roommate and the extent of his or her disordered behaviors.

For example, if your roommate is lying to you about having just eaten to avoid having to go out to dinner with you and your friends, you might harbor resentment. Calling them out on this in the moment would likely be triggering, but later setting aside a time to discuss problems you have with being lied to, in general terms, can help your relationship. It is also important to remember that you need to pick your battles wisely when dealing with someone with an eating disorder.

The Tipping Point

You will likely feel a responsibility to help your roommate, especially if their behaviors become more alarming. Though this is entirely dependent on your relationship with your roommate, their eating disorder, and many other factors, you can certainly play a role in your roommate’s recovery.

Wanting someone to recover is not enough. They need to want it for themselves. Even if you establish boundaries, promote healthy communication, practice your own self-care, and encourage your roommate to seek help, it might be too overwhelming for you to be faced with their eating disorder day in and day out.

If this is the case, self-care might mean finding an alternative living situation for yourself. This does not mean you have to cut ties with your roommate or that you are abandoning them. Rather, you are taking measures to ensure that your own mental health is not compromised.

Being honest with your roommate about why you are moving out and that you still want to support their journey might just be the push they need to get professional help.

Community Discussion – Share your thoughts here!

What other ways can a roommate effectively establish boundaries?

About the Author: Courtney Howard is the Director of Operations & Business Development at Eating Disorder Hope and Addiction Hope. She graduated summa cum laude with a B.A. from San Diego State University, holds a paralegal certificate in Family Law, and is a Certified Domestic Violence Advocate. After obtaining her certification as a life coach, Courtney launched Lionheart Eating Disorder Recovery Coaching in 2015 and continues to be a passionate advocate for awareness and recovery.

The opinions and views of our guest contributors are shared to provide a broad perspective of eating disorders. These are not necessarily the views of Eating Disorder Hope, but an effort to offer discussion of various issues by different concerned individuals.

We at Eating Disorder Hope understand that eating disorders result from a combination of environmental and genetic factors. If you or a loved one are suffering from an eating disorder, please know that there is hope for you, and seek immediate professional help.

Last Updated & Reviewed By: Jacquelyn Ekern, MS, LPC on September 9, 2016
Published on EatingDisorderHope.com