Nicole Siegfried

My story isn’t anything glamorous, sensational, or extreme. I didn’t almost die.  My family didn’t have to perform an intervention. I didn’t even have to be hospitalized.  In fact, like many people with eating disorders, I don’t think anyone would have known I had an eating disorder just by looking at me.  I did well in school; I had a lot of friends; I had a boyfriend and a supportive family. On the surface, I didn’t seem to “have a reason” to have an eating disorder, which actually made me feel more guilty for my secret.  I was bulimic.  I was empty and fragmented.  I was concerned more with what people thought about me than who I really was. I was a charlatan I lied to my friends and family, stole money from my roommates, and lost my “self” to the eating disorder.  I was miserable. 

Finally, my parents found out, so I began treatment. I thought that beginning treatment would be the “turn around” - that once I came clean, I wouldn’t want to do it anymore. This didn’t happen.  So I began pretending to recover. I worked hard to develop the facade of recovery to overlay my charlatan mask.  I kept waiting to feel better, waiting for it to be easier to fight the binge or fight the purge. That time never came.  I never “felt” like recovering.  I told myself every night that “tomorrow will be another day”- a new day where I would feel like recovering. Instead, every day brought with it another spoke in the wheel of the cycle of the disorder.

Finally, I’d had enough- not really “enough of the eating disorder” or even “enough of recovery”- but more like I’d had enough of being fraudulent – of living an inauthentic life – of betraying my true self.  I remember making a conscious decision to begin recovery – not a decision to stop my disorder.  I realized that trying “not to do something” wasn’t working for me- I had to try TO DO something.  I began focusing on the person I wanted to be instead of the person I was trying not to be.  I began to get to know myself, which was frightening, because I was afraid I wouldn’t like who she was. 

The road of recovery was still rocky and I had slips, but I had direction. I went to graduate school; I got married and had children.  I still had difficult experiences. I got divorced. My father developed cancer.  But I no longer used my eating disorder to cope. Today, I believe I am a woman of substance, not because I have a PhD or even because I recovered from my eating disorder. I’m a woman of substance because I’m finally full- full of life and full of my “self.”

Nicole Siegfried, PhD is currently the Executive Director of Magnolia Creek Residential Treatment Center for Eating Disorders(www.magnolia-creek.com), where she has incorporated the same strengths-based philosophy that aided in her own recovery.  Magnolia Creek Treatment Center believes that all women with eating disorders are capable individuals who can fully recover when provided with the right support, guidance, and a sense of hope.

In addition to running Magnolia Creek, Nicole has exclusively treated eating disorders in her seven-year private practice at Siegfried, Porter & Associates. Nicole believes strongly in treating the entire person and in her practice has worked closely as a team with psychiatrists, physicians, and dietitians to meet her clients' needs. Nicole is also a tenured Associate Professor of Psychology at Samford University, where she has received several teaching awards and is a favorite among students. She is the co-coordinator for the Alabama Network for Eating Disorder Awareness, which promotes awareness and provides education and treatment resources for eating disorders across the state.

Aimee Liu

Aimee Liu is the author of Gaining: The Truth About Life After Eating Disorders (Grand Central Publishing, 2007). This sequel to Liu's acclaimed memoir Solitaire (Harper & Row, 1979), America's first personal narrative of anorexia nervosa, draws on her own experience as well as interviews with leading researchers and more than forty other women and men with histories of anorexia and bulimia. Liu picks up her exploration of eating disorders where she left it at age twenty-five. Back then, she thought recovery meant eating well. Gaining proves that healthy nutrition is only a first step. True recovery requires a new understanding of the role that genetics, personality, relationships, and anxiety play in these disorders. Liu uses cutting edge research to dispel the myth that fashion is wholly to blame. She examines the real reasons eating disorders -- at all ages -- are on the rise, and how they can be prevented in future generations.

Aimee Liu also is a novelist. Flash House (Warner Books, 2003) is a tale of suspense and Cold War intrigue set in Central Asia. Cloud Mountain (Warner Books, 1997) is based on the true story of her American grandmother and Chinese revolutionary grandfather. Liu's first novel, Face (Warner Books, 1994), deals with mixed-race identity. These books have been translated into more than a dozen languages.

Aimee Liu, recently spoke with Kelly Jad'on, the OnLine Publisher of BasilAndSpice.com, about Gaining and how life with anorexia influenced this new book.

KJ: Why the title, Gaining

Aimee: That is the word that strikes fear and loathing in the hearts of those with eating disorders. It is associated with gaining fat. It has richer meanings, though. Gaining pleasure, gaining independence, gaining confidence. All of these appetites are connected. To gain freedom from eating disorders, you have to gain in power and maturity. This is central to recovery from eating disorders. In our culture, women are told implicitly to be afraid of gaining weight both in pounds and purpose; a lot of women portrayed as celebrities or in fashion magazines are encouraged to remain in a state of immature adolescence. The unspoken message has long been that an "ideal" woman is a perennial child whose sole value and responsibility is to look cute. But today, with the creation of Size Zero clothing, the message is even worse. Now the "perfect" woman is a zero—in other words, nonexistent.

Continue reading this interview with Aimee Liu.

Dr. Wendy Oliver-Pyatt & Vicki Kroviak

Former college roommates Dr. Wendy Oliver-Pyatt and Vicki Kroviak are the cofounders of Oliver-Pyatt Centers, comprehensive programs for the treatment of eating disorders. Wendy, a board certified psychiatrist, founder of Center for Hope of the Sierras, and author of Fed Up! (McGraw-Hill) and Vicki, a television executive, both suffered from bulimia throughout their teen and young adult years.

How did you meet?

Vicki: We met in college. We were both volunteering at a student-run self-help center. Kind of ironic, when you figure that at the time that we were each completely consumed with our eating disorder. Yet, we were immediate soul-mates.

Wendy: Sometimes friends with food issues compete...You know, who can be the thinnest, the sickest, whatever. Fortunately, we were never like that. We tried to help each other get thin because we actually believed that thinness led to happiness. We really thought we were doing the right thing for ourselves and for each other.

Vicki: It's funny. I don't think either of us would have said "I have an eating disorder". We were really just trying to be what we thought of as our best. We had what we were convinced were our "ideal" weights posted on the wall of our apartment as a daily reminder. We thought that we were being healthy, and sadly our society reinforced this idea.

Looking back, when did you start suffering from food and body preoccupation?

Wendy: I was really into ballet, which, combined with going through puberty, was a recipe for body issues. I began with food restriction, as most do, and the vicious cycle began. I didn't know it was an eating disorder. I wanted a lot out of life, I had a lot of expectations of myself, and I was convinced being thin was a part of that. I remember specific comments that influenced me. I convinced my mother to take me to a weight loss specialist, though I was at my natural body weight.

Vicki: My memories of dieting and food restriction in my home go back as far as I can remember. It was just the culture of our home. I can remember my grandmother, in her 80's, a wisp of a woman, telling me with pride how little she weighed. And my mother didn't know any other way. By the time I was in middle school I had full blown bulimia.

What about your recovery? How did that come about?

Vicki: For me, recovery came after I reached a point of total exhaustion. I was so tired of feeling consumed, that I got some help. And I was lucky enough to find a really good therapist when I did reach out. I also moved in with a friend who had a really positive, healthy relationship with food. It was the first time in my life that I lived with someone who was not eating disordered. I can still remember explaining to her, after we arrived back at our apartment late one night without having had dinner, that I couldn't eat because it was night time. She said, "Really? I just eat whenever I'm hungry. " I thought she was crazy.

Wendy: I visited Vicki for dinner one night after she had started on this new path. She made linguine and crème Brule. I was, like, what are you thinking?! I literally thought she was nuts... I was influenced by several authors, especially Geneen Roth. I started to see the light. I made the decision that I was unwilling to restrict, and I was willing to accept my body, even if my weight or size increased. I could not stand the idea of continuing to live in the prison of food and body preoccupation, I was exhausted. I slowly started a process of learning mindful eating. A deep realization for me was that I needed to take myself seriously on both an emotional and physical level. I started to grasp that my eating disorder had something to do with not treating myself with respect and honor, and there were reasons for this. I now always try to help my patients see how worthwhile they are, and I convey to them the feeling that I authentically respect them. I think that learning to take yourself seriously is key. Vicki was a big help to me. She used to remind me to stay gentle, something that our patients always need reminding about too.

You must have been kind of a rare breed, with your new way of thinking.

Wendy: It definitely is an internal shift when you learn to eat based on your own inner experience vs rules. This is not something we're encouraged to do in our society. Eating disorders do not occur in a vacuum. There are societal expectations, genetics, familial risk factors, and situations that hit us when we're most developmentally and psychologically vulnerable. It can be draining to live in a culture where everyone is talking about weight loss. In my personal life, I benefit from having family and friends who share many of my values, and that is helpful.

Vicki: I think that recovery from an eating disorder is really a journey, in the sense that at different times in my life, I have had to return to the lessons that helped me get well in the first place.

What makes Oliver-Pyatt Centers special to you?

Vicki: We've said since the beginning that our top priority is the client. Our guiding principle is we will do anything to help them get better. Also, it was really important to us to have a bilingual team. When I was living and working in Argentina, I surprised at the widespread incidence of eating disorders. This prompted us to make a bilingual treatment team a key part of the Miami Center. It is in a beautiful residential neighborhood in South Miami, a very tranquil place. But the setting allows clients to reintegrate into real life – at an appropriate stage in their recovery process, of course – through daily, guided outings into the community.

Wendy: We have made the decision that our treatment philosophy is to do whatever it takes to help an individual recover from an eating disorder. I want to provide an environment where patients immediately recognize that we take them seriously on every level. The environment, the quality, training, and cohesion of our staff, and the availability of clinicians and care providers on an individual level for each individual patient, is very important to a person with an eating disorder. In order to make good decisions in patient care, we must really authentically connect to and know each individual. This takes time and energy with each individual patient. We are willing to make this commitment to each person. We want to be a place where patients feel emotionally safe to share their true selves. We wanted a safe place that would allow our clients to reconnect with their true selves, yet also provide a kind of gateway back into regular life. To fully recover, at some point, you have to let the world back in. But it is important that patients have the chance to let the world in while they are still in treatment, so that we can comprehend their life experience, how it impacts them, and how they can approach and manage complicated situations that are a part of their everyday life. We believe that full recovery from eating disorders is possible when a person is provided with effective treatment.

What would you say to someone suffering from an eating disorder?

Wendy: You deserve the opportunity to recover. Your life and joy are being sapped. You didn't choose to be sick. You don't deserve an eating disorder. Recovery takes time, and energy. It is a healing process that sometimes feels mysterious. There will be bumps and setbacks. It is critical that you receive care from professionals that understand the biological and psychological components, with whom you can authentically connect.

Vicki: There's another way. It's not an easy way, it's not the way that everything in our culture will direct you towards, but it's a way. I look at my three daughters and the bombardment of messages that they receive on a daily basis about how they need to look and "be", and it's a miracle that anyone survives adolescence without an eating disorder.

How has your sense of self changed over the years?

Wendy: I'm doing what I really love, not what I "should. " I'm passionate about women accepting themselves at all sizes and cultivating a strong voice to express themselves. In my adolescence and young adulthood, I felt intimidated about really speaking up and sharing my views and opinions. I now feel it is extremely important to state your opinions and feelings to others, allowing them to know your state, while accepting the outcomes. Sometimes others don't agree with us, and conflict can occur. That is OK too. Conflict allows us to know each other more fully. This can bring for greater closeness when we are willing to work things out on a deeper level. Sometimes, conflict can mean that we need to make decisions to change our expectations of others, or to move our energy in another direction as well.

Learning how to train and supervise an entire treatment staff, work with complicated family situations, engage with resistant or reluctant patients, all have been opportunities for me to evolve and to experience such incredible meaning in my life. I am sometimes surprised with my own growth. At the same time, it means so much to me when I see a woman learn to take herself seriously and hear about her life in a phone call or email after she goes home. When your patient goes from a state of joylessness, to a place where they feel their life is meaningful, and they respect themselves, it really is an indescribable experience for me.

Vicki: I think I spent years of my life completely defined by the scale. If someone asked me how I was, I might as well have answered with how much I weighed. My sense of well-being was so completely tied to that number. There was a time when I traveled with my scale in my suitcase, because God forbid that I should be forced to weigh myself on a different "less accurate" scale.

What do you admire about each other?

Vicki: I have complete trust in Wendy's ability to care for these patients, to connect with them, and to do whatever it takes to help them get well. I know that there will be no shortcuts. It makes me proud to be a part of what we're doing. That was part of our earliest conversations—that these programs would be excellent in every way.

Wendy: Vicki is a passionate person who loves to take on a challenging situation. She is a constantly growing person. I love how she is not afraid of facing problems or complicated situations. Having her as an integral part of my life and now of Oliver-Pyatt Centers, brings me joy, and gives me a feeling of being safe. I know that I can count on her through any potentially tough situation. At the same time, we have so much fun together too! Vicki is an extremely accepting and non-judgmental person. I think that going through an eating disorder does lead to this humility. She's driven but not at all impressed by titles or outward trappings of success. What she cares about is what is inside of each person.

How would you define success?

Vicki: A generation of girls who don't define themselves by our current cultural standards. More personally, to raise three girls whose measure of worth and identity is their own.

Wendy: There's a quotation on our website by Ralph Waldo Emerson that talks about adding a texture and depth to your life through what he calls "an advanced experience". Success is a by-product of living life according to your values, interests, and convictions. I think that being in a place of gratitude brings with it acceptance. You can apply this to yourself, your body, your relationships, and even to life itself. I think that gratitude brings with it perspective. Sometimes, if things feel scary in life or I am unsure of how things will work out, I have to go to a place of gratitude. In our society, sometimes we come short on gratitude and perspective. Success has something also to do with having a sense of vitality and meaning in your life. To have this, one must take his or herself seriously.

www.oliverpyattcenters.com

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Lindsey Hall Cohn

"Leigh and Lindsey receive the Lori Irving Award for Excellence in Prevention and Awareness at NEDA conference, 2008. "

Lindsey Hall Cohn had bulimia for nine years. This was in the 1970s when no one talked about eating disorders and the word bulimia was practically unknown. Like many other women, she believed she was suffering alone.

"I really had no idea anyone else in the world had the problem. It wasn't publicized at that time," she says.

Then, a dream changed her life. In it was a woman named Gürze.

"I felt compelled to make a doll out of that woman from my dream. Don't ask me why! She was very funny looking, with long legs and bright red lips, and her hands were enormous! But there was something about the creative process that touched something very deep inside me. That something became the foundation of my recovery. "

Lindsey made more dolls, all life-sized, one-of-a-kind, soft sculptures. She started a business, called Gürze Designs, and began to haunt thrift stores to find just the right outfits to create unique characters. Then, on a trip to New York, as she was waiting for a light with two of the huge dolls hanging out of her backpack, someone standing next to her offered to buy them both.

"For someone whose bulimia had taken control, this was a shock. At the time, I had no job, so all of a sudden I discovered a purpose in life, to create these funny-looking dolls which made people laugh—myself included. Life was getting lighter. "

What's more, on this same trip, Lindsey came across the first article written about bulimia in a 1976 issue of the magazine Psychology Today. It was written by a therapist at Cornell University in upstate New York. Unbelievably, this was where Lindsey was living at the time! The coincidence was too much to ignore.

"I felt like the universe was trying to tell me that it was time to get well," Lindsey says. " I made an appointment to see her, although I binged and purged on the way there. Even though the dollmaking had given me a glimmer of what life might be like without the eating disorder, I was still afraid she might try to take the bulimia away from me. I didn't feel ready. "

But she was. From that point on, Lindsey pointed herself squarely in the direction of recovery. She continued to make dolls, which were now being sold in retail stores throughout the country, but she also worked hard at getting well.

"There were no therapists who knew about bulimia at that time, so my husband, Leigh, and I would brainstorm about what might work. Sure, I meditated and wrote in my journal, but we also did some more unusual things, like fighting with boxing gloves so I could get my anger out. I also sewed up a storm, not just because I had to fill orders for the dolls, but because the joy of creativity filled me up in a way food never did. "

Two years later, on her birthday in 1980, Lindsey wrote her story of recovery in a booklet called "Eat Without Fear" and took it to Kinko's to print 100 copies.

"That was supposed to be closure," Lindsey says. "I thought I would be done with eating disorders for the rest of my life. Guess not!" Instead, so many people related to her story that those first 100 copies sold out quickly. So Lindsey switched from dolls to books, and together with Leigh founded Gürze Books, a publishing company devoted to eating disorders prevention, education, and advocacy.

It has now been 30 years since Lindsey's recovery. Since that time, Gürze Books has grown into a valuable resource for patients, families and caregivers alike. Indeed, Lindsey and Leigh have reached and inspired millions of people through their catalogs and books. In addition, they have talked to many thousands of people both on the phone and at talks and seminars, and answered every one of the people who have written or emailed over the years.

"In the early days, we were the only 800 number. So people would call us for help...and we would talk to them at great length. This was so fulfilling for me. Again, I was touched by the work, just as I was by the dollmaking, and it became a calling. "

When asked what has been her mission in life, Lindsey answers, "I have always tried to be a mirror, so that I could reflect the goodness that is in everyone, especially those who are struggling with an eating disorder. "

If you are wondering, the word Gürze is from the Bavarian, although Lindsey certainly doesn't speak Bavarian! It was just a name from her dream, complete with the unusual spelling. But it turns out to be an informal greeting, like a "Hi, how are you?" But the literal translation is, "I greet the God in you. "

Lindsey says, "I based my recovery on this idea—that we all have a spark of the divine within. We just have to go into our hearts and see it there. "

Carolyn Costin

Carolyn Costin, MFT, recovered herself from anorexia, has specialized in the treatment of eating disorders and exercise addiction for thirty years. Carolyn is founder and director of The Eating Disorder Center of California and Monte Nido and Affiliates, which now has three unique residential centers in natural, home-like settings. Carolyn is a sought after speaker at national conferences and is known for engaging her audiences and giving hands-on skills. Carolyn's books, The Eating Disorder Source Book (2007), 100 Questions and Answers, About Eating Disorders (2007), and Your Dieting Daughter (1997), have helped professionals and the lay public in understanding, treating and preventing eating disorders.

Carolyn's struggle with an eating disorder started in the summer between her junior and senior years of high-school. A weight loss bet with her friend's father started her intense dieting process, and then triggered her tendencies toward perfectionism and compulsiveness. She won the bet, but kept on dieting. Carolyn lost about 50 pounds over the course of the following three years. It was 1975 and minimal information about eating disorders was available. In fact, Carolyn herself had never heard the words anorexia or bulimia. Finally, she realized in college that the "dieting" was in control of her and that she was no longer in control of it. Carolyn tried seeking help at her college counseling center, but the therapist had never seen or heard of an eating disorder. The therapist suggested she eat by herself if she felt uncomfortable eating around others! Sadly, Carolyn found this only exacerbated her problem. She had to struggle with her eating disorder alone and figure it out for herself, as so few resources were available at that time. Carolyn credits trying to understand her own battle with anorexia for developing much of her insight and success as a therapist. Carolyn believes people can become fully recovered; where food and weight take a proper perspective in the individual's life. She does not believe one has to deal with it forever, like the "once an alcoholic always one" addiction model.

After graduating college, she became a school teacher, and gained about 10 pounds. At this point in her recovery, she realized that there were two parts of her, the rational and educated side vs. the irrational, eating disordered side. A defining moment occurred while driving to a Christmas party, where Carolyn had promised herself she wound not eat any cookies at the party. But, the healthier side of her said, "You know, if you really want to show that you have will power, then go in and eat something, eat a cookie. That takes willpower. " Hence, she began differentiating her healthy self vs. her eating disordered self. She realized she was not going to want to gain weight or like it – as she tells others with anorexia to this day. Carolyn, at times, felt afraid when her weight went up, like she was losing herself. She knew inherently to argue with her eating disordered self when fears of weight gain came up. She also knew to take it slowly, and gave herself permission to adjust to the 10 pound weight gain for some time. She realized then and now that it cam be traumatizing to gain weight too quickly.

Carolyn continued to teach junior high and high school over the next eight years. She found the distraction of being involved in a career she loved and was devoted to, helpful in her recovery. Also, she found that falling in love and a relationship further helped her to recover. She still did not like her body more when she gained weight, but chose to accept this as part of her recovery process.

After her own struggle with an eating disorder, Carolyn decided to also work as a high school counselor. She went back to school and became a licensed therapist while continuing to teach. She left teaching in 1984 and went into private practice. She also ran a few hospital eating disorder treatment centers. Sometimes, she saw as many as 58 clients a week! She did this while also running two eating disorder support groups. She developed a wealth of knowledge and experience in treating eating disorders. Eventually, Carolyn decided she did not want to be in a hospital environment any longer. She wanted to offer treatment in a home-like setting. She had observed that individuals with eating disorders are often disconnected from soul and nature and thought a beautiful environment, in nature, along with cognitive behavior therapy, medication and group therapy would be an ideal treatment center. She then opened Monte Nido, which has been thriving for 12 yrs now, and also ran her private practice for an additional eight years. Recently, she opened Monte Nido Vista, a few miles away from the original Monte Nido, in order to accommodate the ever increasing waiting list to get into a Monte Nido program. Carolyn also opened The Eating Disorder Center of California in Brentwood California, where adolescents and adults, males and females, can get more intensive treatment than out patient therapy but not twenty-four hour care. The EDCC has been open approximately six years. She released two books in 1996 and opened Monte Nido. In 2006, Carolyn opened Rain Rock, a treatment center for eating disorders in Oregon.

Carolyn now spends her time directing her eating disorder treatment centers, speaking and contributing to multiple organization and conferences that support eating disorder treatment and prevention. She is a board member of the International Association of Eating Disorder Professionals, a board member of Dads and Daughter and a fellow of the Academy of Eating Disorders. Her recently updated and rewritten book, The Eating Disorders Source book and her book 100 Questions and Answers about Eating Disorders can both be found in bookstores nationally.

Jenni Schaefer

Jenni Schaefer works internationally as a speaker and writer to educate about eating disorders and to provide hope that recovery is possible. After struggling for more than twenty years with food and body image issues, Jenni is fully recovered from anorexia and bulimia. Her life is now devoted to helping all individuals touched by the illness. Her groundbreaking book, Life Without Ed: How One Woman Declared Independence from Her Eating Disorder and How You Can Too (McGraw-Hill), introduces a therapeutic technique that has changed the way people view eating disorders:

In the introduction of Life Without Ed, Jenni writes:

"I have never been married, but I am happily divorced. Ed and I lived together for more than twenty years. He was abusive, controlling and never hesitated to tell me what he thought, how I was doing it wrong, and what I should be doing instead... Ed is not a high school sweetheart. Ed is not some creep that I started dating in college... Ed's name comes from the initials E.D. — as in eating disorder.

Ed is my eating disorder. "

Based on the approach of psychotherapist, Thom Rutledge, Jenni treated her eating disorder as a relationship rather than an illness. She learned to think of her eating disorder as a distinct being with unique thoughts and a personality separate from her own. This therapeutic technique is now widely used across the globe.

Jenni is invited to speak internationally at conferences, schools, and other events. A singer/songwriter living in Nashville, TN, she uses music in her outreach efforts. She also incorporates humor into her work as a speaker and writer. Even though the topic of eating disorders is very serious, she finds that humor provides a hopeful light and adds a fresh perspective. Her ability to integrate spirituality into the treatment of eating disorders also makes Jenni's work refreshing, innovative, and lifesaving.

A consultant with Center for Change in Orem, Utah, Jenni is a contributing author to Chicken Soup for the Recovering Soul and its companion Chicken Soup for the Recovering Soul: Daily Inspirations (HCI Books). She is a regular guest on national radio and television, including Dr. Phil and Entertainment Tonight. Her work has been recognized in the Chicago Tribune, Cosmopolitan, Shape, The Washington Post, Woman's World, and more. She writes regularly for nationwide publications.

Jenni has inspired countless women and men to respect their bodies, believe in themselves, and join in the battle against eating disorders. Dove's® Self-Esteem Global Ambassador, Jess Weiner, honored Jenni as a Featured Actionist for her dedication to promoting eating disorder awareness. Jenni serves on the Board of the Eating Disorders Coalition of Tennessee and is a member of the International Association of Eating Disorders Professionals and Academy for Eating Disorders. She was recently named to the Ambassador Council of the National Eating Disorders Association.

Today Jenni is working on a second book (McGraw-Hill) to further the cause. She has even teamed up with jewelry designer, Sue Gillerlain, to create a jewelry line dedicated to increasing eating disorder awareness. Jenni's mission is to raise the divorce rate in this country (from Ed, of course).

For more information: www.lifewithouted.com.

Christine Hartline

Christine Hartline, MA is a recovering anorexic and bulimic who has been working in the field of eating disorder treatment for over 12 years. She is dedicated to educating others about the consequences, treatment and prevention of eating disorders. She is the founder of the Eating Disorder Referral and Information Center at Edreferral.com. She is also an ANAD Resource person who can help assist in locating FREE support groups in your area. Christine is an advocate for mental health parity and increasing research to help understand the etiology of eating disorders. Eating disorders are complex and involved complex interactions of psychological, biological, sociological, and interpersonal factors and do require professional assistance. Further, eating disorders and body hatred impact the lives of millions of men and women. Eating disorders are gripping and life-threatening. If you or someone you love is suffering from an eating disorder please seek information and assistance. For more information on the treatment and prevention of eating disorders please fee free to contact Christine at the International Eating Disorder Referral Center.

Christine Hartline, MA has been working in the field of eating disorders for over 10 years. She is a member of the Academy for Eating Disorders, Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders, Eating Disorder Awareness and Prevention and the Bulimia Anorexia Nervosa Association. She has served as the administrator of the Monte Nido Treatment Center in Malibu, CA. She has also been a consultant for several eating disorder programs, a community liaison, a support group leader, a mental health provider and a utilization review coordinator. She is an advocate for the treatment and prevention of eating disorders.

Dying to Fit In- Literally!
By Christine Hartline, MA

Today in America you can be whatever you want to be - any dream can be accomplished as long as you pursue it. We have economic security and we live in a peaceful and prosperous nation! We live in the land of opportunity, rich with culture and diversity, the land of the free! The question I pose is - "is America the land of the free, especially for women?" With all the freedom and prosperity we enjoy women still remain prisoners. "Prisoners", you ask, what do you mean? Women are enslaved to a beauty myth, chained to the false belief that our value is based on our appearance alone.

In the United States approximately 10% of girls and women (numbering up to 10 million) are suffering from diagnosed eating disorders. Of these at least 50,000 will die as a direct result! Recent data reported by the American Psychiatric Association suggests that of all psychiatric disorders, the greatest excess of patient mortality due to natural and unnatural causes is associated with eating disorders and substance abuse. How did this problem reach such epidemic proportions? Why are we dieting ourselves to death, literally dying to fit in? When did we become so ashamed of our bodies, when did we learn to hate them so much? While eating disorders claim lives and significantly impact the health and well being of sufferers, as we investigate further an even more disturbing picture emerges. An amazing 80% of women are dissatisfied with their appearance. These numbers are staggering! Surely they cannot be correct! How and why could we have learned such contempt for our bodies and ourselves?

Eating disorders are complex and understanding their etiology requires complex interventions by professionals. In this article I want to examine eating disorders in the context of the questions I posed above. Why are women attacking their bodies? Where did we learn that our self worth is measured by external factors - by numbers on a scale? The answer lies in constant, subtle attacks on our bodies. These attacks wear us down, shake our confidence and esteem. We loose our sense of self, individuality and fall victim to narrow definitions of beauty defined by the media. The media acts as a propaganda machine determined to shake our confidence, remind us we aren't good enough, we haven't made it, that we just simply do not measure up. In a recent poll by People magazine 80% of women reported that the images of women of TV and in movies, fashion magazines ad advertising make them feel insecure about their looks. In addition, the poll indicated that women are made to feel so insecure that they are willing to try diets that pose health risks (34%), go "under the knife" (34%) and 93% indicated they had made various and repeated attempts to lose weight to measure up to the images. Why is the media bent on making us feel so down about ourselves? Why do they go to such lengths to make us feel "less than?" The answer is quite simple - pure economics. The media machine is economically driven as billions are spent on items such as cosmetics, new diets and clothes. This "beautifying" empire is dependent on our disempowerment. They count on us buying into their myths and misrepresentations: "we will never fit it, we can never be happy, thus we can never end the pursuit. " Alas, the pursuit is endless, the products are endless, the damage to our self-esteem is endless, and the body hatred created is devastating. The assault is unrelenting! The images everywhere! How could it all happen, right under our noses? It is a subtle, continuous bombardment of images of beauty, images defined by profiteers, images that are not real, not authentic, and not attainable. The impact that these images have on women is profound. The financial, social and psychological and physical damages of a woman's lifetime pursuit of thinness are impossible to measure. Depression, despair, depletion of self-esteem, the withering and wasting away of physical, psychological and financial resources are unbelievable. How can we begin to make changes? How can we assess our damage report? We must all take a personal inventory of how our lives have been impacted by these images and how we have fallen victim to these lies and misrepresentations of beauty. By examining how these images have impacted your life you are better equip to avoid falling victim to these myths. You will learn to measure yourself by intrinsic qualities that are of far greater value and are far more beautiful than any image manufactured on a movie screen.

I was a victim of these attacks on esteem, on women's power, on our self-worth. I was a prisoner and almost a casualty of this war. If I did not wake-up and take a personal inventory and examine my value system I could have easily sunken into the prison of repeat diets, repeat failure and lifelong contempt for my body. As a prisoner I had to ask myself some tough questions: when did I start to hate my body so much? When did I begin to measure my self-worth by numbers on a scale? When did I fall prey to the idea that beauty is external and success is measured by factors that have little to do with personal strength and spirit? We must be aware of the images presented to us and unmask these images for what they truly are - destructive, superficial and unattainable images. These images do not value our uniqueness, they do not honor our wisdom and our spirit, and they do not measure us. We must reclaim and redefine our bodies as ours. They are miraculous, we all know this! Our bodies perform wonderful feats every day. We are physiological and biological masterpieces. Our bodies are not our enemies - they put us in motion, they create and sustain life. The functions our bodies perform for us are too numerous and varied to list. Vow that you will not longer fall victim to these images and help those around you to the road of self-love and acceptance. Advocate for freedom from body hatred and fight the billion dollar advertising, cosmetic, diet, entertainment and fashion industries - let's stand up for ourselves, our values, our bodies, our lives. We must challenge ourselves, our culture and our children. The stakes are too high to back down. Lives are lost each year as beautiful, healthy young women starve themselves to death. Millions of us are suffering from depression and anxiety as we are bombarded with images of our "faults. " It is time to change, change begins from within and radiates out- let's begin.

The consequences of body hatred and the serious issue of eating disorders are far to significant and far reaching to be addressed simply by pointing the finger at the media machine. Eating disorders are complex and involved complex interactions of psychological, biological, sociological, and interpersonal factors and do require professional assistance. Further, eating disorders and body hatred impact the lives of millions of men and women. It is not only women that buy into these myths and it is not only women that suffer with these illnesses. Eating disorders are gripping and life-threatening. If you or someone you love is suffering from an eating disorder please seek information and assistance.

www.edreferral.com

Melanie Aldis

Defining Me

My name is Melanie Aldis, and I am one of the Regional Directors of Business Development at Center for Change. Are you wondering why someone who works in Marketing is writing an article? Am I qualified?

Well, I am also recovered from an eating disorder. I had an eating disorder for ten years, from the age of thirteen to twenty-three. I am now twenty nine years old. Unfortunately, I don't have much memory of those ten years, only bits and pieces. What I do remember is that I felt inadequate at a very young age. I never felt like I was the skinniest, prettiest, smartest or most popular, I thought I was just plain old average or less than and that wasn't good enough for me. I don't remember how or when my eating disorder started, but I know that underneath it all I had pure self hatred. Eventually my eating disorder became my entire identity and that is when my process of self discovery came to a halt. I thought, as author of Life Without Ed, Jenni Schaefer, would put it, that "Ed" would help me find the answer to true happiness and success in life. As you all know, the excitement and glamour of the eating disorder does not last forever. My life was consumed with food, insecurities and my outward appearance. While other kids were learning what their favorite sports or colors were, I had my head in a toilet.

After ten years of slow suicide, my esophagus was eroding; I had heart burn all the time and my heart would randomly beat irregularly throughout the day. What kind of existence is that? I discovered that I wasn't invincible and that if I didn't do something, I was going to die. I wasn't ready to leave this world. I didn't know what my purpose in life was, but for some reason I knew I had to keep holding on. I was finally ready to fully commit to recovering from my eating disorder.

After ten years, my relationships with my boyfriend, friends and family had deteriorated. At this point, I could not stop on my own, but I knew that didn't make me a failure. What I needed was to be in an environment that could save me from myself. I needed to be surrounded by people who cared about my life because I didn't. I checked myself into an inpatient facility. During that time, I was the "perfect" patient. I was an inspiration to all and the one who would reach out and become a role model for the other patients. At the same time, I was screaming and yelling at my mother in the middle of the night telling her that they were the enemy and that I was just trying to survive their evil plan to make me "fat". Not surprisingly, I ended up signing myself out after 30 days. At the time, I thought that I was the expert in what I should weigh, and that they were just out to turn me into a hideous beast. When I got out, I thought that those 30 days had reversed the 10 torturous years with an eating disorder. It hadn't. I thought that my little time of freedom from "Ed" gave me another identity, which I defined as "perfect recovery. " The thing is perfection never lasts. I have now learned I am imperfectly perfect and that is what makes me Melanie Aldis.

Does this story sound devastating or what? Guess what. It isn't. I am a smart, funny, beautiful successful woman who has fully recovered from an eating disorder. I am now a representative of one of the most incredible programs I have ever seen. I work for them not because I need this job but because I chose a passion in life instead of choosing to die.

When I was really sick, I was inspired to keep hanging on because I knew that I never wanted another girl to go through what I had been through. I didn't want anyone to experience the feeling of loneliness and helplessness because it is terrifying. Knowing this is what kept me going through my very long and challenging recovery process. My ultimate dream was to help others who were living through what I had lived. After really, really, really, really hard work on myself (and I mean every really), I now have the opportunity to work in this healing profession.

I thank God everyday for letting me be a part of something so pure and sincere. I hope that people struggling with eating disorders have a reliable and caring person or people in their lives to hold on to their desire to live until they can do it themselves. I was lucky enough to have that, but I don't believe that is the only way out. If you are currently struggling with an eating disorder, look within your heart to find out why you haven't let "Ed" completely take over. There is a reason. Want to know what it is...you do want to live and you DESERVE to live, so hold on to those little daily miracles that keep you alive and use it as inspiration to reach out for help. I know you feel alone and scared, but I promise the moment you ask for help something beautiful will happen.

With love from my heart and my soul,

Melanie Aldis

Melanie Aldis is a clinical outreach representative with Center for Change in Orem, Utah. For more information, please visit www.centerforchange.com.

Shannon Cutts

Ask Shannon Cutts what helped her recover from her fifteen-year battle with anorexia and bulimia, and you won’t have to wait long for her answer: Relationships replace eating disorders.

When Shannon first developed anorexia at age eleven, little was known about recognizing and treating eating disorders. Her few early attempts to ask for help were misunderstood and rebuffed, and because of this, she struggled in secrecy and silence for seven years against an illness she could not name. But she refused to give up.

When Shannon was nineteen she met her mentor. Together, they joined forces against the eating disorder. Slowly but surely, the loving, supportive bond she formed with her mentor began to edge out her dependence on her "relationship" with her eating disorder. She began to take her life back.

Today, Shannon has been in strong recovery for over a decade. In 2004, she founded Key to Life: unlocking the door to hope, an outreach and advocacy organization that offers programs, workshops, concerts, products, and services to facilitate recovery from eating and related disorders. Through Key to Life, she began sharing what she had learned about eating disorders recovery through speaking and performing original recovery songs at colleges, treatment centers, schools, and conferences across the U.S.A. and in Canada.

It was around this time that she also began serving as a mentor to others who were struggling to recover. It soon became clear to Shannon that the need for eating disorders mentors far exceeded what her time could accommodate. As she continued to answer her mentees’ questions and respond to their requests for support, she began taking notes, noticing common themes and writing down everything she could remember about how she healed. Those notes became her first book, Beating Ana: How to Outsmart Your Eating Disorder and Take Your Life Back (Health Communications, Inc.)

With the release of Beating Ana, Shannon & Key to Life launched a worldwide mission to share the power of mentoring with others. In 2008, with the wise counsel and support of her Leadership Team, Shannon founded MentorCONNECT, the first global eating disorders mentoring community. Today, MentorCONNECT is a thriving pro-recovery support community where members receive the unique opportunity to be matched with a caring volunteer mentor or to serve as a mentor to someone who needs to know that recovery is possible. In addition, the private, moderated, password-protected community offers members the chance to create recovery blogs, upload photos, songs, and videos, participate in a live weekly e-support group meeting and online chat with other members, and join dozens of themed support group forums.

To learn more about Shannon, her speaking and songwriting, Beating Ana, Key to Life, and MentorCONNECT, visit her at www.key-to-life.com.

Andrea Roe

Finding My True Self and Inner Beauty.... By Andrea Roe

My name is Andrea. I am twenty-seven years old and a recovered anorexic and bulimic. I am Austrian, married to a wonderful Canadian and currently living in beautiful British Columbia, Canada. I struggled with eating disorders for six long years and have finally overcome these deadly diseases–and this is my story...

While I was growing up, food and weight were not a problem for me. I came from a very active and health-oriented family and never had to worry about my weight. Almost every weekend my parents would take my siblings and me walking, hiking, biking, or skiing or on a sightseeing trip to a gorgeous place somewhere in Austria. I like thinking about my childhood; it was a wonderful time, and thinking about it creates a warm feeling inside of me. Even now, while I am writing this, I have a smile on my face and a tear of joy in my eyes.

When I was about thirteen-years old, someone said to me that my face looked weird when I smiled, and then she started to laugh. She said this in front of other people. I was very confused; I did not know what to say, and I blushed. I had never paid much attention to my smile until that day. When I came home from school, I looked at myself in the mirror. I smiled. I used two mirrors and looked at my smile from different angles. I stared at myself for hours, and, came to the conclusion that the girl was right: my smile was ugly! And I looked ugly when I smiled. I decided not to smile anymore.

It took almost ten years before I learned to love my smile again. In photographs taken during those years, I hardly ever smiled. (By the way, this comment did not cause my eating disorder; it is an example of the power of words, and how one simple innocent comment can spiral out of control). That happened about two or three years before my eating disorder developed. It was the first step towards disliking and hating my face, and eventually my body.

Around that time, I also developed acne. I already did not like my face because of my "ugly" smile, and having blemished skin made me hate my face even more. I tried everything that was on the market to get rid of my skin problems, but nothing helped. I became depressed and cried a lot. I started wearing makeup to cover the red spots. I would not leave the house without putting it on, so ashamed was I of my face. There were times I did not go to school because of my skin; I did not want anyone to look at it. I did not like people looking at me, at my skin. I did not want them to look at what was "wrong" with me.

My parents did everything in their power to help, support, and comfort me. They were always there for me. I had times when I cried almost every day and locked myself in my room. I just wanted to be alone. I would lie on my bed, look at my face in a mirror and cry. Not many people knew about those struggles, or how big a problem my skin really was for me. I was a very sad teenage girl on the inside, but did not show this to other people. I pretended to be strong.

When I was fifteen, I had the thought that I had to lose some weight. There was no reason for me to go on a diet, but I felt so badly about myself and I thought maybe losing some weight would make me feel better about myself. I wanted to feel pretty and was desperate to do anything to feel that way, and I thought losing weight might be a way to get there. I felt like I had nothing to lose; I already hated myself and what I looked liked so much... things just could not get any worse for me, but they did...

My dieting got out of control, and I slipped into having an eating disorder—I had developed anorexia. I do not know exactly when my eating disorder started and my dieting ended, I just slipped into it.

I read a lot of women’s magazines and adored the female models in those magazines: their beautiful smiles, their clear skin, and their flawless bodies. Back then I did not know that what I looked at, what I admired and wanted to look like, was not real but digitally airbrushed and drastically altered by computers. At that point, I did not know that I had a problem. I was in denial, and I thought that what I was doing was normal. Now, when I look back, I can see how much I was already into my eating disorder world. I just did not notice it back then.

Sometimes when lying in bed at night, I imagined how life would be if I liked my face, smile, and body. How "easy" life would be because I would not have to hide anymore. I would not have to be afraid of people looking at me anymore. I could be free of all my worries! I would be happy.

After graduating at eighteen, I went to university. The idea of me not being beautiful was still stuck in my head. It was at this point that my eating disorder started to take complete control of my life.

I started binging in order to try to fill the emptiness inside of me, although I never threw up. I wanted to so much, but for some reason I was not able to make myself vomit. Instead, I would use other methods to get rid of the food and the calories quickly, like over-exercising and diet pill and laxative abuse. I would eat until my stomach started to ache. I felt disgusted with myself and what I was doing. I was very ashamed and embarrassed about my behaviour. For the longest time I did not tell anyone about my problem and struggled on my own, secretly and in silence.

Unfortunately, my eating disorder did not stop there. It not only changed my relationship with food and weight, it started taking control over my social life as well. I did not go out for a coffee, lunch, or dinner with my friends anymore. I felt uncomfortable eating in front of other people. I did not want anyone to force me to eat. I was terrified by the thought of gaining weight. I also feared that they would notice what was going on with me. I was afraid of them asking questions. I did not want anyone to find out what I was doing, and lied a lot to my friends in order to keep my eating disorder a secret. I did not like lying to them but I felt I had no other choice. I thought that if they knew they would not like me anymore and would not want to be friends with me.

During the first couple of years of my struggles, I was not very educated about eating disorders, mainly because I was in denial for so long. I knew only a bit of basic information and had no idea about where to get useful information about eating disorders, where to turn for help—I was too shy to ask. I thought that one had to be either extremely skinny or extremely heavy in order to be taken seriously, but I was neither. My weight was always somewhere in the normal healthy weight range. And people with eating disorders have to be one of those extremes, do they not?

I eventually hit a point where I could not deny my problem any longer and was finally able to admit to myself that what I was doing was not healthy and that I needed to stop this behaviour. But I did not know what to do or where to start. I felt lost and confused, and thought I was the only one who had this problem.

I did not know how to get out of my eating disorder cycle. I was ruining not only my mind and health, but also my life. I was hurting not only myself but also the people around me. Many nights I would cry myself to sleep, wondering if I was ever going to recover–or if there even was such a thing as "recovery."

I had always had a very close relationship with my parents, but my eating disorder forced me to move away from them. I became very reserved and quiet. They knew what was going on and hoped I would talk to them so they could support and help me. Sometimes I wanted to tell them about my struggles, I wanted to be taken in their arms; I wanted to feel that I was loved no matter what. I thought about talking to them for months but was never sure what to say. I was afraid of disappointing them. I wanted them to be proud of me. But how could they be proud of me when I had an eating disorder?

I eventually opened up to my mum. I gave her a book about how to deal with someone who struggles with an eating disorder, and wrote a letter to her as well. I could see how relieved she was that I finally opened up to her, and she took me in her arms and comforted me. I was crying a lot on that day but I was glad I told her.

My eating disorder did not get better after my conversation with my mum, but at least I knew now that I had someone to talk to when I needed help, comfort, and support.

So I continued my self-destructive path of bulimia. But no matter how much food I ate, I was not able to fill the emptiness inside me. I wasted so much money on food; I do not even want to think about the amount I spent on my binges. I withdrew socially, even more than I had before; I had spent most of my time alone, either eating, over-exercising, or starving myself. I led a lonely and sad life and had little hope about ever getting better. I spent so much time in my room alone, escaping into the virtual world of my computer. Here I was safe; nobody was able to see me, to judge me or hurt me. I know my parents were very worried about me, but they had no idea how to get close to me. When they tried, they were not successful. I did not let anyone get close. I completely shut them out. I cried almost every day, sometimes even a couple of times a day.

What had happened to me? How could I have let it come that far? I felt completely hopeless. I wanted to get better and be happy and healthy again...but I did not even know where to start my journey towards recovery. Besides, I was not even sure if there was such a thing as "recovery."

Just looking at myself in the mirror made me cry. I hated my face, my body, everything. There was nothing pretty about me. Even though my skin had improved and became really nice over time, and I had stopped wearing makeup to cover up my face, I did not recognize that nor was I grateful for it. Even though my acne was gone, it still did not change the fact that I hated my face—and my smile.

My turning point came when I met a wonderful man from Canada who is now my husband. We met in London, England, and it was love at first sight. We immediately felt a special bond, and it seemed as if we had known one another for a long time already. It almost felt like "coming home." It felt wonderful to be close to him. I felt safe. He was also my first boyfriend. I finally had what I had desired for so long—a loving, caring, and understanding man by my side who truly and deeply loved me.

In the beginning, I did not tell him about my eating disorder. I was afraid that if he found out he would leave me, and I did not want him to. I was afraid of being alone again. When I was around him, I would eat normally, and it felt good. For the first time in years I felt "normal." I decided to move to Canada with him, and we moved together, very quickly, which, in the long run, really helped me with my eating disorder.

I still binged, but I was not able to do it as often because I only binged when I was alone, and, since Brandon and I lived together, we spent a lot of time together. He never noticed my binges, but he did notice that I had stomachaches on a regular basis, and he worried about me. I always told him I had problems adjusting to the food in Canada and that was where my stomachaches came from. He never doubted what I said and never acted suspicious. He saw no reason to; why would I lie to him? But I did lie to him, and I lied a lot. I felt like I had to, as if I had no other choice. I did not want him to find out what was really going on with me. I was afraid of losing him, of being left alone.

It took me a couple of months until I was ready to tell him about what was going on with me. He had not even noticed and seemed quite surprised. Brandon took me in his arms, gave me a kiss and said that we would get through this together, and that he would always be there for me and do whatever it took to get me healthy again. I started crying. It felt as if a heavy weight had been lifted off my shoulders. He believed in me, in us, and he believed that together we would be able to beat this disorder. For the first time in years, I felt, just maybe, recovery was possible for me.

Today, I am healthy. I am grateful for my body, and I love myself and my life. I am thankful that my body has not given up on me after many years of abuse. My journey to recovery was difficult at times. I had to take it one day after the other. I had setbacks; I had a lot of them. Every time I fell, I got up again and continued on my journey. I did my best not to look back, but forward.

Brandon was always there for me and with me, every step of the way. We talked a lot and I told him everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. There were a lot of things I told him that were not pretty, but, no matter what I said, his feelings for me did not get any less. He never judged me or my behaviour, no matter what I did. The only thing he did not want me to do was to lie to him and cover up things. It was important for him that I always told him the truth, no matter how "bad" it was. That was one of the hardest patterns for me to break: to stop lying. I had been lying about my eating behaviour for so many years that I did not even notice it anymore when I did... lying just happened automatically.

My husband also taught me to smile again. He always told me that I looked pretty when I smiled and that I was a beautiful girl. I did not believe him at first, but over time I was able to see that I really was beautiful girl, inside and out, with a beautiful smile. Now, I actually love my smile. I did not smile for pictures in almost ten years, and these days, whenever pictures are taken, I am the first one to smile!

I am so thankful for having Brandon in my life. He has always been there for me; he has always believed in me and never gave up on me. His love and support are what I needed to find the strength in me to beat this disorder.

I have reached the point where I am able to openly and honestly talk about my eating disorder struggles and everything connected with it. I am not ashamed anymore of my past and no longer feel the need to hide it. I always saw my eating disorder as something negative, as "lost years." Now, I can see it in a positive way. If not for my past, I know I would not be who I am today and would not be where I am today—and I like the person I am, and I love my life.

I believe that everything happens for a reason, even though often we are unable to see the reason right away. While I was struggling, I often asked myself what good reason all this pain, all these tears, could possibly have, and I never found an answer. Now, things have started to fall into place and make sense. All of it was a big learning experience for me, one that was necessary to make me the person I am now. It was a painful and difficult experience, that is for sure, but it was necessary. I have learned so much over the past few years, about life and about myself, that I would not have otherwise. I now know who I am. I have found my place in life. I have found personal meaning in my life.

My life is not about me anymore. For years I was a lonely and depressed girl who lived a small, sad life. Now I have the desire to make a difference in other people’s lives and want to give back to society. It is my passion to show others who are struggling with eating disorders that there is a way out, and that these disorders can be beaten.

I want you to know that it IS possible to recover. Please do not give up on yourself. You CAN get through this! I know—I did it, and so can you! Your eating disorder did not just happen overnight, it started a long time ago, before you first binged, purged or starved yourself. It will take time to get better, one step at a time.

Eating disorders are not simply about food and weight. They are an attempt to use food and weight to deal with emotional problems. An eating disorder is just a symptom of something deeper going on inside of you. Food and your body are not the enemy, even though it sometimes feels like it. You can learn to enjoy your life again. Please keep on believing in yourself and continue to be strong.

You are a beautiful human being; one day, I know, you will be able to see it!

www.youarenotalonebook.com

Kathy Roberts

My name is Kathy Roberts and I'm a lifetime drugfree world champion powerlifter/motivational speaker/personal trainer. I hold several different World, National, Regional and State records in various different weight classes. I've ranked in the top 20 in the world in Powerlifting. My heaviest lifts are as follows: 400 pound squat, 270 pound benchpress, and a 450 pound deadlift--all lifetime drugfree.

I earned my degree in Administration of Justice, cum laude and I'm certified in various different areas. I am an Academic and Presidential Scholar and I received an Outstanding Achievement Honors Award for Academic Work in Sociology, a Division of Liberal Arts.

Throughout the years I've spent most of my time reaching out to others, sharing my life experience and how to overcome obstacles with those I speak to. I come from a family of 10 and I lost my father at an early age. My mother raised 10 kids by herself. There are many things that we had to do without and there were many struggles throughout my life but one thing that I never did was to make excuses for the things that I didn't have in life. I believe that where there is a will, there is a way and each and every individual goes through different situations in life. Hopefully for each and every situation it will make one stronger, wiser and give them the substance that they need to get through different situations in their lives, most importantly, being able to reach out to one another with a genuine interest and concern.

At an early age I participated in various different sports such as long distance running, tennis, bodybuilding and I've been involved in powerlifting for over 12 years. In the sport of powerlifting, I never really worried about my weight class. I've competed in five different weight divisions to include the 132's, 148's, 165's, 181's and 198's. I've always been comfortable with the body weight that I carry. Many others in the sport went to extremes to lose weight to meet a specific weight class. I've seen where people would literally pass out while competing because they were dehydrated and totally weakened. To me, this is not worth it.

Being comfortable with who you are is more important than anything else. I believe that society puts a lot of pressure on young female athletes as far as their weight and over all body build is concerned. Everyone has a different genetic makeup and we must remember that. Everyone was not meant to be the same build, size, shape, weight, etc. Accepting who you are and not being concerned about what the world thinks is far more important to one's well being than anything else.

As I progressed in the sport of powerlifting and began to lift heavier weight my body began to develop more muscularity. Sure, I had people saying that I may have been too massive, but for the most part, people have learned how to appreciate me. Why? Because of the way that I carry myself, confidently. I am comfortable in my own body and through my actions and body language people have learned to appreciate me and accept me for who I am.

My goal as a world champion female athlete is to let other female athletes learn how to appreciate themselves, to love themselves, and strive to make themselves stronger, mentally, physically, and emotionally.

I've worked with female athletes around the world in various areas to include self image and how that affected their everyday lives. Unfortunately, many times others around us have their own goals and dreams and they often go to any extreme to try to live those goals and dreams through others. We have to dream our own dreams and live our own lives, making our own dreams a reality. We have to come to the realization that we cannot please everyone all of the time. There is a lot of pressure from the people who are closest to us to "act" a certain way or "look" a certain way. This is not normal. What is normal is being who you are, taking care of yourself and finding happiness from within. Once you find happiness from within, everything else will fall into place.

My website is: http://www.GIFTOFSTRENGTH.com

Paula Timpson

i walked the beach everyday, praying for help- i knew something was wrong when my own mom approached me and gently asked me, "when are you going to do something? "My mom never says much to me about changing myself as that is what made me strong up til this point and now would make me that much stronger! my mom was my angel finding me a great counselor and nutritionist. She quietly read everything she could about anorexia and prayed for me .she still let me find my 'new' self and grow wings again. as a poetess i found writing helped heal me . it was like therapy writing out my feelings... always has been !

i had hidden it well, or so i thought... my 'illness. ' i didn't want to believe i , perfect paula' could be sick. that was a big part of my problem , trying so hard to be 'perfect . '

Feeling out of control of my own life after a traumatic breakup with my first boyfriend and wanting so badly to be at one with my family and everyone, life was overwhelming. Yes, i was too thin. Once i admitted this, i was free. i was living in hell- smiling on the outside ,crying within-

i wanted to be in heaven. i was very close to God, but my head kept going back to food, to planning , to scheming. . . i wasn't 'me. ' i was lost... although i was VERY good at making myself sick. i became the PERFECT anorexic... it was making me , not 'me. ' i had to lose myself to find myself again and that was hard. i didn't want to give up the life i had created for myself. i was in control, or so i thought... it was easy to 'disappear' -Until i began seeking help, i was not free or happy... i looked at myself in the mirror , and i knew i was not 'right. ' it was super hard going to my first support group. i could se the pain in the others faces and hearts. i was not alone- i read about so many who had eating disorders, many who others would not suspect; even susan dey from the Partridge Family had orange fingers from simply eating carrots and nothing else! * What was it that made people suffer so? why this mysterious disorder with food? i was learning and realizing it was a world- wide problem for so many and that no one is ever 'perfect... ' and that it is OK - So many try to be 'in control of their own lives or those of others since they cannot control their own life! this is a lesson i learned and never will need to again. ONLY God is in real control and that is PURE FREEDOM_

my ten yr old sense of joy and spirit was not alive anymore- i missed my true self- i was a skeleton holding a soul that was broken. my butterfly wings longed to 'fly' once again. mentally my head kept going back to a rhythm i did not understand but was comfortable to play - i found meditation and prayer sustained me to find a new life- one that helped me gain my freedom back and grow wings and truly fly! swimming ,walking , yoga ,dance these helped me love my body again and re-connect as in healing and in pregnancy... the body can do so much and we can love ourselves as little or as much as we want .which ever we choose we will either live in heaven or hell. the choice is ours. i have practiced yoga with so many who are not thin, but are* happily round and truly beautiful 'teachers' i have watched many ' beautiful' people die to joy, to take on a plastic smile- thank you mom and thank you Jesus... . my true strength and joy lives forever in letting God take control ,rather than me .as much as i want to live in a 'Perfect 'world it isn't real ,heaven is and that awaits my soul so happy and healthy now, surrendering each day to jesus christ first thing in the morning, last thing at night. While pregnant, i was happy to be round. Now, with son to care for i learn over and over how to take care of 'me' so i can give him what he needs -i am put' right in the *BEAUTIFUL moment' where i LOVE to be, like a child again... .

to want to be thin or in control is a WEAKNESS because if we desire anything, then we are suffering... my dream is for no one to have to succumb to the ways of the world , or to food - & to see food as a beautiful 'helper' in our lives rather than 'restricter' May everyone let God take control, as *He Frees us forever!... He is our true Father and He really does know what is Best for us ! The foods of the Bible are so wonderful and here for us to enjoy!

Love,
PAULA TIMPSON
paulaspoems.blogspot.com

'i am ME'
i am
me
only
me
free, with wings white ,glowing
now-
i am ten, a child in wonder
open to a world that can be better-
i am me,
so happy
flying
letting my Father in heaven control my life. . .
NOW.
Love,
PAULA