i walked the beach everyday, praying for help- i knew something was wrong when my own mom approached me and gently asked me, “when are you going to do something? “My mom never says much to me about changing myself as that is what made me strong up til this point and now would make me that much stronger! my mom was my angel finding me a great counselor and nutritionist. She quietly read everything she could about anorexia and prayed for me .she still let me find my ‘new’ self and grow wings again. as a poetess i found writing helped heal me . it was like therapy writing out my feelings… always has been !i had hidden it well, or so i thought… my ‘illness. ‘ i didn’t want to believe i , perfect paula’ could be sick. that was a big part of my problem , trying so hard to be ‘perfect . ‘Feeling out of control of my own life after a traumatic breakup with my first boyfriend and wanting so badly to be at one with my family and everyone, life was overwhelming. Yes, i was too thin. Once i admitted this, i was free. i was living in hell- smiling on the outside ,crying within-i wanted to be in heaven. i was very close to God, but my head kept going back to food, to planning , to scheming. . . i wasn’t ‘me. ‘ i was lost… although i was VERY good at making myself sick. i became the PERFECT anorexic… it was making me , not ‘me. ‘ i had to lose myself to find myself again and that was hard. i didn’t want to give up the life i had created for myself. i was in control, or so i thought… it was easy to ‘disappear’ -Until i began seeking help, i was not free or happy… i looked at myself in the mirror , and i knew i was not ‘right. ‘ it was super hard going to my first support group. i could see the pain in the others faces and hearts. i was not alone- i read about so many who had eating disorders, many who others would not suspect; even susan dey from the Partridge Family had orange fingers from simply eating carrots and nothing else! * What was it that made people suffer so? why this mysterious disorder with food? i was learning and realizing it was a world- wide problem for so many and that no one is ever ‘perfect… ‘ and that it is OK – So many try to be ‘in control of their own lives or those of others since they cannot control their own life! this is a lesson i learned and never will need to again. ONLY God is in real control and that is PURE FREEDOM_my ten yr old sense of joy and spirit was not alive anymore- i missed my true self- i was a skeleton holding a soul that was broken. my butterfly wings longed to ‘fly’ once again. mentally my head kept going back to a rhythm i did not understand but was comfortable to play – i found meditation and prayer sustained me to find a new life- one that helped me gain my freedom back and grow wings and truly fly! swimming ,walking , yoga ,dance these helped me love my body again and re-connect as in healing and in pregnancy… the body can do so much and we can love ourselves as little or as much as we want .which ever we choose we will either live in heaven or hell. the choice is ours. i have practiced yoga with so many who are not thin, but are* happily round and truly beautiful ‘teachers’ i have watched many ‘ beautiful’ people die to joy, to take on a plastic smile- thank you mom and thank you Jesus… . my true strength and joy lives forever in letting God take control ,rather than me .as much as i want to live in a ‘Perfect ‘world it isn’t real ,heaven is and that awaits my soul so happy and healthy now, surrendering each day to jesus christ first thing in the morning, last thing at night. While pregnant, i was happy to be round. Now, with son to care for i learn over and over how to take care of ‘me’ so i can give him what he needs -i am put’ right in the *BEAUTIFUL moment’ where i LOVE to be, like a child again… .to want to be thin or in control is a WEAKNESS because if we desire anything, then we are suffering… my dream is for no one to have to succumb to the ways of the world , or to food – & to see food as a beautiful ‘helper’ in our lives rather than ‘restricter’ May everyone let God take control, as *He Frees us forever!… He is our true Father and He really does know what is Best for us ! The foods of the Bible are so wonderful and here for us to enjoy!Love,
‘i am ME’
free, with wings white ,glowing
i am ten, a child in wonder
open to a world that can be better-
i am me,
letting my Father in heaven control my life. . .