Spouses and Eating Disorders
Although men and women often enter marriage wearing various shades of rose-colored glasses, most of us anticipate a couple of minor bumps in the road as we adjust to married life. We prepare for normal differences between men and women, and accept possible changes as two become one. But nothing can prepare one spouse for the onset of an eating disorder in the other. In the vast majority of cases, the eating disorder afflicts the wife; often the husband is utterly unaware of the condition. This is not because the man is insensitive or uncaring, it is because secrecy and deception are a part of the disorder. A woman with anorexia often denies to herself and others that anything is amiss. It is not unusual for her to exaggerate how much and how frequently she eats. Even as she wastes away to nothing, she will swear that she "eats like a horse." If possible, bulimia is even more ensconced in deception, but for different reasons. Whereas an anorexic woman is actually proud of her skinny body, a woman with bulimia is extremely ashamed of her behaviors. This is completely understandable; after all, consuming thousands upon thousands of calories, then vomiting, is difficult to explain, rationalize or defend. Therefore, she hides the activity, and if need be, lies.
But here is the bottom line: no matter how skilled at deception, the truth will eventually surface. On so many levels, this is devastating to the husband. What his wife is doing is unfathomable, absurd, heartbreaking, and idiotic. To him, an eating disorder makes absolutely no sense; unfortunately, to her, it does. Perhaps the most difficult aspect for a man is that he can do nothing to stop the behavior – he has virtually no control.
Men in this situation are advised to get help for themselves. Speak to a therapist, seek out a support group – they are available and can provide comfort, compassion and support.
Remember ...Nothing prepared you for this. You can’t control or fix her, but you can take care of yourself. Help is available.
Discover more about this important topic by checking out the following articles.
Articles
Codependency
by Rader Programs
Oftentimes, the presence of an eating disorder is mistakenly viewed as a problem of just the identified individual and not as a family disorder. Family members, just like the eating disordered individual, experience pain and dysfunction as a result of the disorder. Even with best intentions, family members often unwittingly contribute to the practice of the eating disorder and experience dysfunction in their own lives.... Read More
How You Can Help Your Spouse
by Center for Change
When you realize that someone you love may be struggling with anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa, naturally you want to know more about it. And because you care, you also want to understand what they are experiencing so that you can be as supportive as you can throughout their recovery... Read More
Resources
When the husband does not know: Read the story of a woman who hid her eating disorder from her husband for over two decades (globalaging.org)
What's Love Got to Do With Thin: An eye-catching story comes from Tom, whose wife Meg slipped into the grip of anorexia. As she continued to waste away, Tom tried to cajole a skeletal Meg into eating (Huffingtonpost.com)
Husband has an Eating Disorder: How to deal with a husband or boyfriend who is eating disordered (Caringonline.com)