Working Through Society Myths to Save the Mother-Daughter Relationship
Contributions by Catherine Weigel-Foy, LCSW, LMFT, Family Therapist at Timberline Knolls Residential Treatment Center
October 15, 2010
While relationships with friends and husbands begin in adolescence and adulthood, a mother’s love begins before a child is born, and can create an unrealistic expectation that the connection between mothers and daughters will be as strong and free from limitations in adulthood as it was in early infancy. In reality, an individual’s needs and fears are often informed by society’s needs and fears, making this one of the most maligned of all human relationships. By identifying societal myths commonly found in these relationships, mothers and daughters can counteract the barriers to build a stronger foundation.
There are several “perfect mother” myths that establish unrealistic standards of behavior that often put a strain on the relationship. The idea that a) the measure of a perfect mother is a perfect daughter, b) mothers are always nurturant, c) mothers know naturally how to raise children and d) mothers and good daughters don’t get angry, contributes to mother-blaming when mothers don’t match the myth and can create distance between mothers and daughters.
In the same way, there are “bad mother” myths that cause behavior to seem worse than it actually is. Based on societal assumptions that a) mothers are inferior to fathers, b) only experts know how to raise children, c) mothers and daughters are bottomless pits of neediness, d) mother-daughter closeness is unhealthy and e) women’s power is dangerous, mothers and daughters often feel like they are walking a tightrope where too much or too little love will push them over the edge.
These common myths translate into a superficial sort of relationship that is neither functional nor loving, and instead is characterized by ambivalence and friction. Daughters interpret mother’s love as the need for control and mothers often feel angry, hurt and resentful. Both parties have to be willing to work at the relationship in order to change the relationship to a more viable one. Mothers will have to adapt to the changing power balance and daughters will have to withstand the anxiety of challenging mother with her own needs, thoughts and feelings. To break the old pattern and establish a more reciprocal woman-to-woman relationship requires courage and commitment, and the new relationship won’t always be easy. There will be conflict and disagreements, but by being assertive and establishing boundaries, through vigilance, a healthy, equal relationship can be maintained.
Timberline Knolls is a residential treatment center located on 43 beautiful acres just outside Chicago, offering a nurturing environment of recovery for women ages 12 and older struggling to overcome eating disorders, substance abuse, mood disorders and co-occurring disorders. By serving with uncompromising care, relentless compassion and an unconditional joyful spirit, we help our residents help themselves in their recovery.
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